Lone Wolf
by denise1
Summary: Jack's thoughts during Shades of Grey. Companion to Trust Me


Lone Wolf

By

Denise

I look at the silent woman sitting across the briefing room table from me.  She hasn't said a word since our return from Tollana.  She hasn't had to.  Those vibrant blue eyes flash her emotions far more eloquently than any spoken words.  She fingers the stolen Tollan device gingerly, like one would handle a pin-less grenade or ten year old stick of TNT.  When I handed it over to her upon our return, she hesitated before taking it, like I was handing her a poisonous snake or something equally vile.  She finally took it and  it hasn't left her hands since. 

Normally handing her a new puzzle to figure out meant I would be spending the next several days or so reminding her sleep and food aren't optional to the human body.  This time she won't really look at it, like she's afraid to glean anything from the small silver device.  She knows it doesn't belong here.  She knows I crossed the line, hell I didn't just cross it, I squashed it almost out of existence.

 Hammond's joined us now.  He and I play our roles.  Sam just sits there, jaw set, fiddling with the device, trying to ignore me.  She shoots me a few quizzical looks, but every time I try to look her in the eyes, she ducks her gaze away.  I know she's confused.  So is Daniel.  They look like they're waiting for the punchline.  And every second that goes by without someone saying 'It's all a dream Dorothy' is a second closer to having to admit it's for real.  I really stole from the Tollans.  I've finally cracked up. I watch her finger the device again.

I'm actually glad she shows no interest in it.  If I know the Tollans, it's probably a prop.  Hammond finally asks Sam a direct question.  She doesn't want to answer him, knowing her words will condemn me.  Of course lying or refusing to answer will make her an accomplice.  I've been there.  Hell I think I'm going down that road again.  Except, if the rat is who I think it is, I'm going to enjoy this.

Assuming of course I live through it.  I speak up and confess, saving Sam from having to add a nail to my coffin.  She's saved my life time and time again and I'm depending on her to keep SG-1 in one piece until I get back.  She shouldn't have to testify against me in the process.  As I look at her face I'm not sure if she's relieved or disgusted.

"No Carter, I haven't been acting like myself since I met you.  Now I'm acting like myself,"  I toss off those words, knowing just how much they'll hurt.  As I watch her hide her pain at my cruel, calculated words I want to take them back. I want to tell her just how much her friendship means to me. How much I've grown to depend on her.  How she constantly amazes me with her intelligence.  How much I envy that quick mind of hers that can leap tall mental buildings in a single bound.  

But I can't.  Hopefully this fits in the category of being cruel to be kind.  Daniel, Teal'c and especially Sam must be distanced from me.  My gut instinct says these renegades play hard ball.  I mean if they're stupid enough to piss off the Tollans, Nox AND Asguard, any of which could totally cream us without even breaking a sweat, what kind

of a chance would my friends stand if they were perceived as threats?  Zip, zilch, nada, snowball's chance in Netu...you get the idea.

Oh look, here comes Travele and her friend.  I let loose a barrage of snotty remarks, not saying the words but conveying the emotions I'm hiding.  Damn you, you smug, imperious, condescending jerks.  Damn you for putting me in the middle, making me hurt the only real friends I got in this world, hell several worlds.  This had better freaking be worth it.

I'm called into George's office.  We continue our play.  Damn the man shoulda been an actor.  I'm just doing the job he told me to do and I actually feel ashamed about the role I'm playing.  He does understand though.  When we planned all this out...well if thing go south, he's promised to explain it all to my team, classified or not.  I'm more grateful than he'll know.  Dying sucks, but spending eternity branded as a traitor sucks more.  He also agreed to assign Makepeace to my team.  It's not like he can stand SG-1 down for the duration.  Life must go on and all that. Things have to look like I'm gone for good or the wrong people might get suspicious.  Personally I wouldn't mind Sam taking over, she's more than capable,  but the over-protective part of me wants to do all I can to insure my team's safety.  Robert's a good man...for a jarhead.  He may be tough but he'll keep them in one piece until I get back.

I knew it!  Maybourne you lying, conniving, no-good, slimy, traitorous weasel!  I shoulda shot you when I had the chance.  Man, I am gonna enjoy taking your ass down.  OK, I admit it, a tiny, little evil part of me had been hoping Harry was involved.  This is going to be payback for all the times he's tried to turn my friends into his guinea pigs. 

On the serious note though, now I'm totally without a safety net, 100 on my own.  If Harry gets wise, I'll just disappear, he said as much.  I know I should be scared, but I'm not.  Taking this arrogant, cowardly, sneaky, SOB down is going to be the most fulfilling thing I've done since I taught a  12 year old girl how to play.

As I walk through the gate to Edora, I can't look back. I can't let what may be the last sight of my friends be tainted with the looks of disgust and betrayal that must be in their eyes.

 I know what George is doing, trying to reassure me I can and will come home.  You may not have noticed, but military protocol isn't strictly observed here.  George is confident enough in his command he doesn't feel the need to reinforce his rank with a constant flurry of hands flying through the air. Among the SGC, salutes are mainly reserved for special times.  Looking back would just make the next step all that much harder.

I re-gate immediately to Maybourne's provided coordinates.  Just jump right down the rabbit hole Jack me boy.  As I'm greeted by Neumann, I look around at the others in the room. 

Scruffy...yes...rag-tag...yes...believing they're doing the right thing...yes...capable of destroying our careful relations with three of the most powerful forces in the galaxy, hell several galaxies...abso-freakin-lutely.

I wonder if Harry was dropped on his head as a child?  He's too bloody stupid to realize technology isn't everything.  It's who you know not what you possess that matters.

Here I am, hiding behind a rock, sincerely hoping I'm on the wrong planet.  The Asguard already know where the renegade base is, thanks to a little thingy they stuck in the stolen device.  They're just waiting for me to uncover the mole.  I'm actually relieved the little guy is going to be tailing me.  His primary purpose is to provide evidence and return the stolen items to their respective owners.  Now if this mission goes totally FUBAR...well he likes me and it's his idea I'm here, hopefully he'll pull me out.

I watch my team with mixed emotions.  I'm glad they're all OK, sorta hurt to see them going on without me. Nobody likes to find out he's replaceable. And I'm totally sick to my stomach at the idea one of them is likely the mole. Maybe Maybourne gave me the wrong coordinates?  Maybe team assignments were changed at the last minute?

Daniel doesn't go near the DHD.  No real surprise there, but a relief none the less.  Teal'c had me worried for a minute.  He paused by the item and  looked around.  Please big guy, keep walking.  Yes! Two down, two to go.

It's down to Sam and Makepeace.  Good girl Sam, just dial it up and go home.  Don't look down, don't look back.  Please don't let those brilliant eyes of yours see the wrong thing.

I watch as Robert stuffs the item in his jacket.  Finally, the last piece, and none too soon.  This is going to end today.  Robert was far too careless. 

His jarheads may be stupid, but my team isn't.  Any one of them could have witnessed his intergalactic shoplifting.  What would he do about a witness?  Little friendly fire? Maroon them somewhere?  A car wreck on the way home?  'Forget' to send the GDO?  He knows as many ways to kill as I do.  And that scares me.

It's time to end this charade.  I gate back to the renegade base, knowing Thor's already on his way.  I actually enjoy the looks of terror on their faces as Thor's ship descends.  Man those little guys have a huge reputation. Evidently fear of God and fear of Thor are synonymous.

Punching Neumann may have hurt a bit physically, there's a reason I wear my gloves, but emotionally it feels damn good.  I deliver my speech, still reveling in the fear on their arrogant faces.  Then I dash through the gate, trusting Travele and Hammond NOT to let me splash on the iris.

I arrive at the SGC and I'm rather amused at the deer-in-the-headlights looks I'm getting.  It's an unauthorized offworld activation and the iris won't close.  Spooky time for every one. Then the proverbial black sheep comes home.   Those marines damn well better hold their fire.

As soon as Hammond sees me he knows I've got all the pieces, at least all I can get.  The SF's start rounding up the renegades. I see Makepeace personally restrain Neumann.  He talks to him, probably warning him to stay quiet.  I grab a plastic cuff from one of the men and I take great pleasure in wrapping it around Robert's wrists.  'Endanger my team with your spying you SOB', I think as I jerk them tighter.

Ya know, we should turn this whole bunch over to Thor.  What we do is hard enough without some power-hungry jerk stealing from people and making us look bad.

Hammond shoos everyone from the embarkation room leaving me alone with my team.  "I'm back." I say, but the looks on their faces scream volumes.  Sam and Teal'c, they're soldiers, they'll understand...eventually.  It's Daniel I worry about.  He's been betrayed so many times in his life sometimes I think he's beginning to expect it.  And that scene in  my house...didn't help a bit.  I try to apologize for all those angry, ugly, hurtful and very untrue things I said to him.  He's brushing me off.  Does that mean he forgives me or that he doesn't care?

He jokes about getting the short straw and the three of them leave, together.   They're all hurt.  They're all feeling betrayed.  Damn.  Ya know I can't say I blame them.  As soon as I'm done here, I'm rounding them up.  We're going to clear the air.  I'm gonna to answer the few questions I can and a few I probably shouldn't.  If Makepeace is  right, knowing about the mission might endanger their lives, but keeping it from them will create a rift between us that might never heal. Our lives depend on us trusting each other. Three years of accumulated trust and friendship has been seriously damaged in the last coupla weeks.  Time to start rebuilding.

Believe it or not, a few years ago I wouldn't have given a damn.  I would have thought, 'get over it, Secrecy is part of the job.  If you can't take it, get the hell out.'  Not now.  Screw secrecy.

Right now I've gotta brief Hammond.  And I'm going to tell him NEVER again.  I'm NOT going to lie to them again.  I used to get a bang out of top secret missions, black ops. You know, that whole lunatic fringe thing. That was before I was surrounded by people I care for. 

Black Ops is a job for the solitary, lone wolves among us.  But I'm not alone anymore.  This lone wolf now has his own pack of friends.  Friends that are far more important than any mission ever will be.

fin  


End file.
